2017 APRIL FOOLISH NEWS - Mayor signs executive order to build "The Wall"

Mayor Neidhamer with executive order

Some city residents are questioning the sanity of Boyne City Mayor Tom Neidhamer, who today issued his 16th executive order in less than 60 days, this time to build a “great big beautiful wall” around the city. Following Washington's economic development model, Boyne City will be building the wall around the city to force people to shop local and keep outsiders from taking any remaining jobs. “We're going to use the famous Boyne City bricks so it looks real pretty,” said Neidhamer, who for years served as the building trades instructor at Boyne City High School. In a sneaky twist, all the metal components have been ordered from EJ so the city can stiff them on the bill. City Manager Mike “Raising” Cain said, “We'll make East Jordan pay for our wall and they won't know until it too late and then they won’t even be able to get to us.” Others at City hall favored having Petoskey pay for the wall, since so many locals do their shopping in The Big City To The North.

2017 - Cunning canines competing for City Commission

Bo Baumann and Hershel Cortright

Since very few humans seem interested in running for two open spots on the Boyne City Commission, sources tell us that a pair of cunning canines and a rebellious iguana plan to take out petitions for office. "Nothing in the city charter states that you have to be homo sapiens to serve on the city commission," said Hershel Cortright, a young Corgi (pictured at far right) who lives with Michelle and Rod Cortright.

"I guess we'll have to drive him to the meetings," Rod said. Some of the issues the four-legged friends are pushing include building more dog parks, bringing Pooch Fest back to Boyne City, extreme vetting of cats, and doubling the number of fire hydrants in the city. Joining Hershel on the ballot will be Bo Baumann, an Australian shepherd and former Poochfest Frisbee-catching champion owned by Jim and Jamie Baumann. Also on the ballot will be Squirt Cain, the wandering iguana who once ran away from Mike and Kathy Cain's house and was found weeks later in a tree several blocks away.

"Squirt" Cain says he'll "lick" his opponents

2017 - “Evenings at the Dog Park” concerts coming soon

Dolph Cwik rehearses for dog park concert.

Boyne Area Chamber officials have announced that the Evenings at the Gazebo concert series will henceforth be known as Evenings at the Dog Park, reflecting a necessary change of location. The Boyne City Police Department raided a Gazebo concert at Old City Park last summer and hauled off a number of golden retrievers and miniature poodles who were (along with their owners) listening to the music. The police noted that a city ordinance prohibits dogs from attending special events in parks. Owners’ cries of “My dog can’t read those signs” were ignored by the police, who dressed in riot gear for their own protection. No injuries were reported, although extra dry cleaning bills were incurred due to excessive slobbering on the part of some of the canines. In order to comply with the law and prevent rabies, the Chamber and the Police Department reached an out-of-court settlement whereby future concerts would be held at Ridge Run Dog Park in the north end of the city. Police Chief Jeff Gaither noted that for everyone’s safety, no cats will be allowed at the dog park concerts.

2017 - “America First” hits local bars and restaurants hard

Ed and Kristine plan to open a disco.

With new trade restrictions about to be implemented nationwide, local bars and restaurants are rushing to make adjustments. There will be no more German/Belgian beer available at Cafe Santé, soon to be known as Cafe Americano, and no more French/Italian/Australian wines at the Wine Emporium. Red Mesa Grill is reportedly considering a name change to “Red Mountain Grill” with a menu featuring hamburgers, hot dogs and peanut butter sandwiches. Bella Vita Italian restaurant and Indochina Garden did not return calls when contacted for this story. Local foodie queen Cindy Janssens announced that the former Boyne Appétit! program would now be called “Good Eatin’.” The next beer tasting at Boyne Country Provisions will feature Bud Light, Miller Lite, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Stroh’s, Schlitz and Old Milwaukee. Provisions owner Ed Brehm is so upset about the potential loss of business that he plans to open “Boyne Country Disco Inferno” on the second floor of the Wine Emporium.

2017 - “Trail for everyone” is under construction at Avalanche

Clearing the way for "Nature's Way"

A new group declaring that Avalanche Mountain Preserve should be for everyone and not just mountain bikers has succeeded in securing grant funding for a new trail now under construction. The group includes a coalition of walkers, naturalists and senior citizens. The new trail will be fully handicapped-accessible with two 14-ft. paved lanes, concrete curb and gutter to prevent erosion, plus LED streetlights for 24/7 user safety. Trees within 150 ft. of the trail will be removed to improve views. It will be salted and plowed by DPW personnel to insure winter use as well. To allow as many people to use it as possible the Police Department is recommending a 55 mph speed limit on the trail. The new trail, to be named 'Nature’s Way' will be open by Arbor Day 2018. The local portion of the DNR matching grant will be paid by Team Elmer’s asphalt paving company of Traverse City.

2017 - Strange but true: Actual news from the past year

> Wind blows door off BC home: Facebook post from Jeffrey Kelts (pictured): “Well bummer, Debbie opened the storm door to let the dogs outside and the wind caught it and ripped it off the house. Guess I need a new one.”

> Swan falls off Cafe Sante Roof (Jan. 25) - Story
> Pagan priest wins right to wear goat horns in DMV photo - Story
> Firetruck malfunctions, runs over fireman, rolls into burning building - Story

2017 NEWS BRIEFS

Ivanka Trump buys Mary’s of Boyne
Also plans to run a Chamber and buy a farm,
since running a store can’t possibly take that much time

Community Center announces opening date
Yeah, right!

Stroll the Streets to charge admission this year
Proceeds to pay for local residents’ health care

Catt announces Sportsman site will be a Trump Hotel
“Mar-a-Boyno” will be city’s first 4-star facility

Horton Bay named Sanctuary Village

Locals protest culturally insensitive menu names at Lake St. Market
Vegetarians and police demand name change for “Pigs” pizza

BC School Board decides on student uniforms (below)

What's this foolishness?

April Foolish News is a just a fun project that started as a nearly annual edition of the Boyne Chamber E-Newsletter. My birthday is April Fool's Day, and I'm a former journalist, so it just happened. People seemed to enjoy it, so I kept it up. Now that I'm not the exec director of the chamber anymore, it doesn't make sense to send this out from the chamber, so this is my new outlet for a little craziness. Enjoy... and don't take it too seriously! Feel free to add a comment.
- Jim Baumann