Petunia planters deny they did it; Boyne threatens to shoot it down!
Boyne City officials are scrambling this morning, April 1st, to respond to a Charlevoix spy balloon that is now floating over the city. Sources report that the multifunctional balloon is attempting to gather data, photos and information on a number of enviable Boyne City events and programs. Top surveillance targets are reported to be:
Stroll the Streets, the most successful outdoor summer music event in the Midwest. Charlevoix officials are reportedly annoyed that some bands have played songs that mock Charlevoix, including “Bridge Over Troubled Traffic.”
Boyne City High School’s football program, with Charlevoix hoping to steal our plays since the Ramblers’ ABC (Always Beat Charlevoix) Strategy has worked so well in recent years.
Boyne City Marina expansion from a measly 44 slips to possibly double that number, threatening Charlevoix’s Marina Domination Program over the decades.
Continued backroom attempts to move the County Courthouse to its rightful original location in Boyne City, the geographic center of the county.
The Ridge Run Dog Park, which has been expanded to include an agility park, which teaches canines to run through tunnels and leap over barriers, both considered a National Security risk. The balloon is reportedly able to gather critical data by reading microchips on dogs in the park, especially those that have TikTok accounts.
4th of July and Boyne Thunder, the Boyne City’s gigantic events that draw thousands of visitors who formerly attended the Venetian Blinds Festival in Charlevoix.
The Boyne City Farmers Market, recognized as having some of the best vegetables in the Midwest.
Cafe Sante, whose legendary popularity has continued to rise despite the fact that they play foreign music most of the time.
Industrial giants Daifuku and Precision Edge, which have been lured to Boyne City with offers of free land and assurances that no double-leaf bascule bridges will ever be built within five miles of their factories.
The Boyne City-Charlevoix non-motorized trail, which is scheduled to be finished by the summer of 2043, due to ongoing efforts by Charlevoix to stall the trail, thereby preventing Boyne City people from coming to Charlevoix.
Charlevoix issues lame denial; Sheriff goes into hiding!
Charlevoix officials, who were reached while planting petunias, at first claimed they knew nothing about the balloon floating over Boyne City on the morning of April 1st. They speculated that it might have been launched from Beaver Island, Wisconsin, or California. Officials later said they “regret the unintended entry of the airship into Boyne City airspace.” They insisted that the balloon was not there to spy on Boyne City locations, events, and football practices, stating that it was a "civilian airship" sent up for research purposes and had accidentally drifted over the Boyne City due to weather currents and the constant flow of hot air blowing east from Charlevoix, which has also prevented or delayed Lake Charlevoix from freezing in recent years.
Some Boyne residents are threatening to shoot down the balloon themselves, but Boyne City Police urged caution. Sheriff Chuck Vondra, a former mayor who lives in Boyne City and is a play-by-play announcer for football games on the Rambler Sports Network, did not return numerous calls seeking comment. Frustrated Boyne officials quickly filed a petition for a restraining order, but the Charlevoix Circuit Court scheduled a hearing on the issue for “sometime in 2024.”
Locals have also contacted the National Guard for assistance, but a spokesman there said they could not respond until their plan to expand Camp Grayling is approved.
Boyne Chamber unveils manly new networking series
The Boyne Area Chamber unveiled a new networking luncheon, “Connecting Men in Business,” today, April 1st. The concept is the brainchild of Chamber Office Manager/Newsletter Editor Jeff Neads, who mansplained that the first program would be a panel discussion on “How to Watch March Madness at Your Desk and Not Get Fired.” Gold sponsor for the event is a new chamber member, the Institute For Therapeutic Ridicule.
Neads stated that he sees strong potential for the concept, appealing to men who are "illegally barred” from attending the many “Women in Business” events around the region. He did point out that the event was somewhat tentative since he had not yet mentioned the idea to his boss, “Loony Lisa” Lumke.
April Foolish Archives
> April Foolish News from 2019
> April Foolish News from 2017
> April Foolish News from 2016
> April Foolish News lost to history:
2013 - Boyne City legalizes same-sex marriage, hopes for boost in "Gaycation" tourism
2012 - Combined Mushroom Fest/Easter Egg Hunt planned
2011 - Meijer store and Nothing Festival coming to BC
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? April Foolish News is a serious project started as a sometimes annual edition of the Boyne Chamber E-Newsletter, written by Jim Baumann, formerly known as Chamberman. His birthday is April Fool's Day, and he's a former journalist, so the planets just aligned. People pretended to enjoy it, so he kept it up. Now that he's no longer the exec director of the chamber (wonder why?), he's using this Blog and Facebook as the news outlet for April Foolishness. Enjoy... and feel free to add a comment.
