4-story condos planned for former chamber office site; Don’t worry, it’ll still be a log cabin!

Rumors that a four-story condo development would be built on the site of the Chamber of Commerce log cabin were confirmed by the City Planning Department on Monday, April 1st. The project was made possible by the chamber’s planned move to another building and the planners’ recent decision that downtown buildings could be built as high as 45 ft., and not limited to three stories. Planning Director Scott MacPhearsome said that the new height restrictions make sense, given that 15-ft. ceilings are impractical and  local teacher Randy Calcaterra, who is 6 ft. 9 inches tall, is “probably the only person who would appreciate such extra height in a three-story building.” When some local residents panned the project as it was announced on Facebook, MacPhearsome sought to appease them by noting that the new condos would also be a giant log cabin, keeping with the same “Hometown feel, small town appeal” as the chamber log cabin, although “somewhat larger.” He noted that parking for the projected 40-unit project would not be a problem, as developers plan to make use of parking at the former Carter’s Store on the east end of town with shuttle vans running condo residents back and forth several times a day.
> LATE BULLETIN - Boyne City Police report that former Chamber Director Scott MacKenzie has chained himself to the front door of the chamber log cabin to prevent bulldozers from destroying the structure. Stay tuned for updates.

Special prosecutor to investigate mystery of dented fender, couch and dirty dishes in Boyne Valley Township

What happened behind the walls of Boyne Valley Township Ambulance Service? The mystery involves a dented fender, a couch and dirty dishes.

Charlevoix County Prosecutor Alien Telgenhuff has called for the appointment of a Special Prosecutor to investigate allegations swirling around the possible change of ambulance service providers in Boyne Valley Township. Telgenghuff made the announcement today, Monday, April 1st. The township is considering pulling its contract with the City of Boyne City and switching to the Jordan Valley EMS Authority. Kellyanne Grice from the City of Boyne City attended a recent township board meeting and was quoted in the Petoskey Snooze-Review as saying that the mysterious controversy involves “a dented fender,” “a couch” and “dirty dishes.”
Prosecutor Telgenhuff said that if the issues were simply financial, his office could attempt to sift through the details and shed some light on the township’s questions, “But I have heard that Polish Oligarchs may be laundering Polish Festival funds through the township. Then when this devolved into such hot-button issues as a dirty fender, a dented couch and dishes, I knew that a special prosecutor with fender/couch expertise would be necessary. Luckily, Robert Mueller is looking for employment right now. I plan to contact him,” Telgenhuff said.
The prosecutor noted that the allegations have raised numerous legal questions, including: “Whose fender was dented? Who is not washing their dishes? What the H-E-double hockey sticks happened on (or to) that couch?” and "Have foreign lobbyists influenced the selection of polka bands for the Polish Festival?"

Netflix filming bingeable new series called “Boyne City, Small Town Appeal”

Dwight Schrute plays BC Police Chief.

Netflix has announced plans to begin filming a new series called “Boyne City - Small Town Appeal,” the streaming service announced on Monday, April 1st. Producers said they chose the town because it offered scenic locations and plenty of true-life quirky local characters working in City Hall and local businesses. “It should be very bingeable,” said Netlix spokesman Harland Dorrinson, noting that the show would be a cross between "Northern Exposure" and "The Office." 
In fact, Rainn Wilson, the actor who played Dwight K. Schrute on The Office, has been signed to play the role of Boyne City Police Chief Jeff Gaither, and Arlo Guthrie will play Freshwater Gallery owner Tony Williams. Former Mayor and Boyne Theatre owner Joe Gierlach has committed to make occasional cameo appearances.
Here is a tentative list of episode titles, with scripts already in development:

• Meet Mayor Neidhamer, “a very stable genius”
• Sources leak secret memo on Affordable Housing
• Detectives discover Hugh Conklin’s middle name is "Vladimir"
• Poland deploys Twitter bots in attempt to hack Boyne Falls Festival
• Raft race funding traced to moody oligarchs from Gaylord
• Cain threatens to shut down city government
• Boyne Theatre to reopen with "McCabe & Mrs. Miller" showing
• Another April blizzard predicted; School year to end July 3rd
• Chamber board no longer “achin’” for a new director
• Sean Spicer buys the Boyne City Gazette, says circulation is "yuge"
• Boyne declared sanctuary city - for squirrels 
• True Blood: Vampires elected cheerleaders at BC High School

Great Lakes Energy sponsors new year-round ice pole in BC

Giving new meaning to the term “Truestream,” Great Lakes Energy plans to provide refrigeration that would create a year-round ice pole in Boyne City's Sunset Park. This welcome news was announced on Monday, April 1st. 

“With everybody trying to conserve power these days, we’ve got energy to burn,” a GLE spokesman said in a press release. The stream of city water being sprayed on the ice pole will be rebranded as "Truestream." Signage at the site will promote delicious-tasting Truestream City Water as well as the energy company’s new Truestream high-speed internet service. The company also plans to use the frozen ice pole to expand their lineman training program. PICTURED ABOVE are linemen learning to climb the ice pole, which often resembles a rural electric power pole in mid-winter. (Photo courtesy of Doug "I love Siesta Key" Bean.)

Strange But True: Actual news from the past year

He pretended a date stood him up at on Valentine’s Day. Strangers picked up his tab. Story.

Chuck E. Cheese's oddly shaped pizza ignites conspiracy theory (Photo at right).  Story. 

Hey, Google, talk to my tulip. Story.

Raccoons get drunk on crabapples, causing a rabies scare in West Virginia. Story. 

Politician allegedly made a habit of licking men’s faces. She has now resigned. Story.

An Illustrated History of Donald Trump’s Hair. Pictures.

Top 100 dead rock stars listed. Story.

Dumbest criminal of the year nominations (all true stories)

Thanks to MLive and the Petoskey News-Review for these gems:

How do officers figure out who illegally dumped an old couch on a dirt road near Boyne City? They dig through the couch cushions, looking for clues.  Story.

Police arrest man attempting to hide in Boyne City Subway ceiling.  Story.

Man makes up stabbing story to hide money from girlfriend.  Story.

Some of our "Favorite Foolish" pictures

A few modifications have been made to the Mackinac Bridge to make your trip to the U.P. this summer a little more exciting!

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"I will build a great dog park, the cats will pay for it!"

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Tucson police warn of white powdery substance falling from the sky!

Details.

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This needs to be added to the Winter Olympics in 2022!

Video.

What is this April Foolishness? (...and past issues)

Jim Baumann, former Chamber Man

April Foolish News is a just a fun project started as a sometimes annual edition of the Boyne Chamber E-Newsletter, written by Jim Baumann. His birthday is April Fool's Day, and he's a former journalist, so the planets just aligned. People seemed to enjoy it, so he kept it up. Now that he's no longer the exec director of the chamber, he's using this Blog and Facebook as the news outlet for April Foolishness. Enjoy... and don't take it too seriously! Feel free to add a comment.

Recent past issues:

2017 - Mayor wants to build “The Wall;” Canines on City Commission; Evenings at the Dog Park

2016 - Cindi Franco opens medical marijuana dispensary; Trump to lead Horton Bay Parade and more. All stories.